I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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