I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
