In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
