rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
