a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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