Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
