Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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