and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
