from now on my penis is your penis
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
