I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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