Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
