Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
