he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
