Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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