she woke up with a sticky ear
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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