I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
