I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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