Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
