I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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