yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
