A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This baby is an asshole
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
