i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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