I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
