now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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