You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
