Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
