it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my shit smells like andre
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
