...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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