I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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