i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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