i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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