I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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