i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
