There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
