Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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