Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
