i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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