So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
FUCK WHALES
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
