Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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