The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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