Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
