I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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