I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
