I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
