oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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