Plan B is the new Plan A
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
