remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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