umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
