my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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