3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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