ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
