It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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