Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
