Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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