I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
