I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
