Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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