"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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