Define "chronic" masturbator.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
