I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
